


Turn, as in Yours

by PreAlexa



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV), The Adventures of Superhero Girl
Genre: Ass-Kicking, Cute Kids, Dysfunctional Family, Family Issues, Forgiveness, Gen, Healing, Heartbreak, Idiots in Love, Inspired by Real Events, Personal Growth, Real Life, References to Depression, Work In Progress, World Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 07:54:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20254756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PreAlexa/pseuds/PreAlexa
Summary: Reflections: Inserting life challenges within context of some shows I enjoy...





	Turn, as in Yours

My first memory was making a big pile of play dough on the green shag carpeting. Yes, it really was a thing in the early 70’s. I was 3 and the concept of putting play dough on a plate, or paper, or any goddamn thing other than 1 and 1/4 inch shag carpet was not yet available to my processing units in my brain.

I made some vivid messes of something I was so proud of in front of my mom’s closed and locked bedroom door. I wanted to surprise her with my gift to her. A gift of daughterly love for her mother.

She opened the door, was upset I made a terrible mess, was angry at me, and shut the door in my face leaving me sitting there in tears. Never once did she console me in that moment, or many moments thereafter as I skidded sideways into my childhood. It’s not that my mother didn’t try. She didn’t know how to try, to be parental, to be maternal. Those weren’t things she was interested in. The fact I’m on this planet is a bit incredulous. I glad I am.

My first memories of my early life were not happy ones. They were, sadly, filled with despair, hopelessness, loneliness and what’s most frightening of all, a complete blank from 4-6 years of age.

As my therapists (yes, plural - I’ve been so many, I can’t call one without them knowing me by name) say to me, “Hey, it sounds like something happened to you between ages of *insert number here* to *insert number there* and, yeah, something did. Many times. Different occasions, but always the same types of people I keep attracting, even to this very day. You begin to feel you’re the rat carrying the cheese for the beggars to take, instead of meeting other well-to-do rats who get their own cheese just fine.

I always dreamed I had powers. I was the Buffy Summers of 2nd Grade, or the Wonder Woman of 4th Grade, or I could fly at any given moment. So much so, I had a hard time understanding reality vs dreams. Once, in daycare, upon the 3rd floor, (I was 5 years old) I was convinced I could jump and fly out to safety. I remember giving it serious thought and, to this day, have no idea why I didn’t when I never once doubted my abilities. I reckon I have a great ability to jump...just not land very well.

Speaking of flying, did you ever have dreams you could fly? I did as a child. I had a certain process I had to follow through in order to take off. A way to run, hop off one leg just right, reach for up for the sky and level out. I could control my speed by changing the way I placed my arms, and when I ready to land, it was successful (unlike I imagine jumping out of a 3rd floor window would be in my child-mind reality of 6 years old). No, in my dream world, I landed the way a parachuter might - a graceful, running stop.

I was convinced I was a version of what Carol Danvers might be, or Diana Prince, because when you live in such an isolated world, without parental guidance, or nurturance, your imagination becomes your steadfast friend. I had to be the dorky nerd bestowed with super powers not yet manifested. I just needed to be patient. I had to pretend that when I was bullied, or bossed about. I also knew how to defend myself. An older girl always came after me, taunting and teasing me, calling me names. Each of us probably has had one of those, right? She was several grades older then me and several heads higher than me. One day, I had enough. I threw down my banana seat, metallic mint green bike with the hassles onto the street and marched straight up to her, staring up at her face, and told her I never wanted to hear another word from her mouth ever again. She stood there for a minute and I thought she would beat the crap of me, but that was okay because I made a gusty move. She turned around and walked away and never said a word to me unkind again. I was in 5th grade. My superpowers were starting to develop (at least in my head that’s how it worked. Isn’t that it worked for Superman? He came into is own gradually?) Maybe I was more akin to the Greatest American Superhero instead. A bumbling, dorky kind of thing who somehow managed to do the right thing when it counted, even if it wasn’t pretty or glamorous.

I grew up attending far too many schools from moving around far too much to establish much in the way of roots or friendships. I ran track and cross country. I was inspired by Flash and just knew I could run my heart out...and I did. There was one school I stayed at for 2 years and it was the most elevating period of my life. I was popular, had many friends and finally found my ‘home’ - my niche.

During all these tumultuous times, there were good ones, too. One thing which never left was an essence of spiritual magic, for lack of a better term. Experiences can leave you haunted and damaged and they can leave you open-minded and tolerant. I’m both, but that’s not to say I’m unhappy.

The story really begins when I turned 20. I was exploring alternative spiritual influences in my life. My sense of intuition was much better and I have a strong inner voice, and that was the same voice that told me, “No silly, do NOT jump out of the school window” at Daycare. Further beyond when I was a pre-teen, to a full-on and headstrong teen, to a my early adult years, when I just know something, I know it, and rarely has it let me down or been wrong.

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